Friday, August 27, 2010

Jane's Announces New Armament Assessment: From the Wardrobe

Many articles of clothing can be weaponized, and your humble, intrepid writer does not claim to have run down all the potential weaponized clothing that might be brought from the depths of a wardrobe, but rather hopes to open a dialogue regarding this under-developed weapons market:

The Slock: A sock with a heavy metal object inside, most often a lock. Used to bludgeon an opponent. Not to be confused with the soapock, consisting of a sock loaded with soap bar to encourage good unit integrity.

Laces: For the discerning creep that wants to sneek up on a mothufucka! For extra specialness: tie a knot in em and pop the larynx so there'll be no screaming.

Crappy drawers: Underwear that has been allowed to collect quite a bit of the ick that often accumulates in such garments. This tends to be a slow-acting biological weapon unless used in two manners, both of which are forbidden by the Geneva Convention: Drawers taken from an enchilada-and-beer-binge eater, as well as those containing even a limited amount of crap placed over the head of an opponent.

Thong: Sometimes used by strippers to immasculate men who had the temerity to think they were about to get sexed in the champaign room. Not to be confused with Laces, above, this weapon has occasionally seen a narrow application in combination with Crappy Drawers, above.

Stilettos: Fierce weapon when properly wielded. It is suggested that you run away, as it is unlikely that a barefoot stiletto-wielder will be able to keep up.

Stripper Shoes: Not to be confused with the lighter and less lethal sister-weapon system, stilettos, Stripper Shoes have a heavy sole that can drive the spiked heel through the skull of zombies, and we all know how thickheaded the undead can be. Reversed, the raised sole is an excellent warhammer

The Boulder Holder: Whether used as a slock-launcher or more general catapult, the lethality of this weapon is based entirely on the cup size, up to the head-sized breast, after which elasiticity is sacrificed for support, causing a decline in efficiency.

The Stank: Any clothing article can be modified to perform, though gym-shorts, leotards, sweatsocks, granny-panties, and sweatsuits are the preferred chassis. The weapon is also slow acting, and generally considered an underperformer when unleashed against the unwashed. Increased performance has been documented when the article of clothing forming the chassis is taken from a heavily stressed large mammal on a limited excercise regimen that drove 200+ miles without AC in the Southern California Sun.


  1. I totally just keeled over laughing. Hubby was not nearly as amused by the crappy drawers as I was.

  2. Thankyou! Glad I could bring a smile!