Moronometer

GRIFFIN INDUSTRIES is once again ready to unveil another stupendous invention, this one for the workplace:

The MORONOMETER measures the atmospheric changes in the amount of moronions in the immediate vicinity, rising as the stupid increases. Several alerts are available, ranging from the English as second language MacDonalds employee calling out that dinner is served to the shrieking of a porn star having their orifices delved into quite deeply.

The alert will sound when pre-set limits are exceeded in the hope of attracting the moron to the device and away from those who have work to do. It is therefore suggested that the Moronometer be placed away from the actual location where work is being done. Perhaps the hall, or even the middle of traffic.

Now, a word about tolerance levels: Each Moronometer has five independent levels that may be arbitrarily set by day, or if the owner prefers, even the hour, but only by such individuals previously cleared of moronitude. Each of these independent levels is fully adjustable and has up to ten settings, so each approved user can label and set their own tolerance level for moronic and sub-moronic behavior. These levels are clearly visible to those who deign to look at the device, in order that those intelligent enough to actually read the current atmospheric levels and related tolerance levels will have a chance to avoid pushing beyond into the realm of the drooling moron, and destroying everyone's chance at a moron-free day.

The deluxe version also comes equipped with a cattle-prod-grade shocking device to prevent tampering by morons who believe they can change things.

The Super-Deluxe Moronometer will taze anyone who, by their mere presence, increases the moronion level beyond the factory-set maximum level considered survivable by sensible people.

The Basic Moronometer will be offered free of charge, as a public service, to the first 1,ooo non-morons who order it. The Deluxe version will require photos an additional one hundred dollars, while the Super Deluxe Moronometer will require one hundred dollars and photos of the first ten morons tazed by our fine device.

Please Note: One might wonder why asshatery was not the benchmark rather than moronions. Griffin Industries is trying mightily to isolate asshattery from ordinary anal leakage, and while we hope to bring such a device to market someday, but as far as current technology allows, there is no telling asshattery from farts without actually interacting with asshats, something Griffin Industries, perforce, wishes to avoid.

Asshats and Their Asshattery

My patience has melted away to vapor under the heat-friction created when reality meets the willful stupidity of certain members of the public. I am done with the bullshit of people who should know better, but refuse to allow reality any bearing in their lives.

To be more fair than they deserve: Natural selection among American civilians has, for the most part ended. We have a great number of safety devices, medicine, and even legislation that have, when combined, crushed Darwin's theory 'neath their weight.

It seems to me that back in the day, if you were taking stupid risks, then you were less likely to survive. A simple if/then statement: reality hitting stupid in the face and cleaning the gene pool of mess.

See, I'm at low ebb right now-

I didn't get this far gone when working the streets, because there would always be some guy who thought they could run or fight and get away with it. Their criminal activity would allow the occasional opening of the cage on my inner gorilla, allowing some of the pressure to escape in an orgy of high-order physical and mental activity.

Now I'm a house-cat. Most days, that's a good thing. Others, like this last week, it weighs on me like a millstone.

My Hopes, Dashed

I had hoped, somehow, that the general level of attentiveness and intelligence would climb while I was away from work.

My hopes, dashed.

Failing that, I hoped that people would at least make an effort to leave their stupid at home, at least once or twice a week.

My hopes, dashed.

My penultimate hope was that the users of the court would learn to be civil in my absence.

My hopes, dashed.

My final hope for my return from vacation was that I would re-charge my drained patience for all the bullshit and mouth-breathing morons I am forced to observe daily.



My hopes, somewhat dashed... I am writing this, so my gorilla was a bit excercised, but then I'm not really ranting today. More of a lament, this. I might even have to ask for some cheese with my whine.