Moronometer

GRIFFIN INDUSTRIES is once again ready to unveil another stupendous invention, this one for the workplace:

The MORONOMETER measures the atmospheric changes in the amount of moronions in the immediate vicinity, rising as the stupid increases. Several alerts are available, ranging from the English as second language MacDonalds employee calling out that dinner is served to the shrieking of a porn star having their orifices delved into quite deeply.

The alert will sound when pre-set limits are exceeded in the hope of attracting the moron to the device and away from those who have work to do. It is therefore suggested that the Moronometer be placed away from the actual location where work is being done. Perhaps the hall, or even the middle of traffic.

Now, a word about tolerance levels: Each Moronometer has five independent levels that may be arbitrarily set by day, or if the owner prefers, even the hour, but only by such individuals previously cleared of moronitude. Each of these independent levels is fully adjustable and has up to ten settings, so each approved user can label and set their own tolerance level for moronic and sub-moronic behavior. These levels are clearly visible to those who deign to look at the device, in order that those intelligent enough to actually read the current atmospheric levels and related tolerance levels will have a chance to avoid pushing beyond into the realm of the drooling moron, and destroying everyone's chance at a moron-free day.

The deluxe version also comes equipped with a cattle-prod-grade shocking device to prevent tampering by morons who believe they can change things.

The Super-Deluxe Moronometer will taze anyone who, by their mere presence, increases the moronion level beyond the factory-set maximum level considered survivable by sensible people.

The Basic Moronometer will be offered free of charge, as a public service, to the first 1,ooo non-morons who order it. The Deluxe version will require photos an additional one hundred dollars, while the Super Deluxe Moronometer will require one hundred dollars and photos of the first ten morons tazed by our fine device.

Please Note: One might wonder why asshatery was not the benchmark rather than moronions. Griffin Industries is trying mightily to isolate asshattery from ordinary anal leakage, and while we hope to bring such a device to market someday, but as far as current technology allows, there is no telling asshattery from farts without actually interacting with asshats, something Griffin Industries, perforce, wishes to avoid.