The Stupid Is Rising

Patience drained, anger sharks swimming in my head, Gorilla rattling the bars.

Sorry, that's all I got today.

That's it.

My Stunned Gorilla Is Still Less Confused Than The Oblivious, Miffed & Mad

Last night was an odyssey into the stupid, the odd, and the downright irritating.  When I say irritating, I mean grain of sand stuck in the loins while hiking through rough terrain irritating...

We had a lengthy trial session, but no one was unpleasant, just long-winded.

Then, for the mandatory appearance calendar, we had far more people than could be seen in one hour, let alone seated in the courtroom.  We also had a large number of translation matters, which slows things as well.

The commisioner, always game, began the instruction.

One of the crowd, a very large mammal with a great villain's glower, decided to interrupt, "Can I say something?"

"Just wait," says the commisioner, "then when it's your turn before me, you can ask your question then."

"No, I want to say-"

My Gorilla ain't havin' it. "No, sir!" I interrupt, "Wait your turn, as instructed. Do not interrupt the court again.  You can leave, or you can wait silently, those are your options." 

He glowers, even pouts a little, but shuts his mouth.  He's still shaking his head, and because he's a large mammal standing in the back of the courtroom, his every movement is obvious to the court staff. My Gorilla starts pacing back and forth, but eventually settles down to pick at his fur.

As usual, we have a few people come into the courtroom early that are scheduled for 6:30.  I tell them the usual, and after the fifth interruption, I step out for a moment to tell the waiting crowd that we are going to be late getting to their matter.

There is a man waiting in the hall who had mistakenly come to our trial session earlier in the day. I distinctly remembered him because he wore a black velvet tux jacket, matching bow-tie and pink ruffled shirt.   He has returned, but must have considered the tux too formal for an evening engagement and is wearing a Juicy sweatsuit.  Picture Rick James with a relaxed perm and you won't be far off.

So, as I turn to re-enter the court Rick James says from behind me, "Excuse me, Officer."

I turn to him.  I catch him staring at my ass.  My Gorilla doesn't even bother to get up at this point.  I do work where I work, after all.  I am no homophobe; indeed, I have been told by many women and a few men of whose desires run that way, that I have a nice ass.  Some have even called it great.

The stare lingers longer than it ought to, though, so I say, "My eyes are up here, sir."

Rick James doesn't reply, but he does bring his gaze to meet mine.

"What was your question?"

Rick James sniffs, tosses his hair, but doesn't otherwise deign to reply.

Blinded by anger, my Gorilla howls and charges the cage, stunning himself in his eagerness to slap some little-girl squeals from Rick James' mouth. 

"I do not appreciate your inappropriate conduct, sir.  Mind your manners."

Just as happy my Gorilla is still stunned, I return to the courtroom.

Inside, the atmosphere has changed from when I left.  And not for the better. I walk around the counter, see that Her Honor is on her feet, speaking to the crowd at large, "He is a trained law enforcement officer, his firearm is perfectly safe and he is armed merely to keep us safe.  There is no cause for concern, he's trained how to use it." 

My Gorilla is still too stunned from the headlong rush at the bars to really build a head of steam, so I manage to add, with relative good humor, "And when not to."

Things settle,but the atmosphere remains strained. Court resumes.  Suspecting Large Mammal instigated something while I was out, My Gorilla gets to his feet and starts wobbling around his cage.

I get a text from one of the clerks.  He tells me Large Mammal had been laughing when I left court, attracting Her Honor's attention.  When told to stop disrupting the court, he decided to ask if it was legal for officers to have a gun in the court, claiming he thought it dangerous.  The tail end of Her Honor's response to that being what I heard on re-entering the courtroom. 

Glad to have that confirmation of my assessment of all the elements in the equation, I settle down for a tense session, even give the Gorilla a little slack to give Large Mammal my gimlet glare.

Rick James enters the court.   Miffed he can't get a seat, he sets about attracting everyone's attention with a whine-and-pout routine.

Her Honor tells him that a seat will be opening up in a bit, provided there aren't any additional disruptions.

He doesn't get the hint. "Well, your guard or whatever was all angry 'cause I was lookin' at him," Rick James says as he leaves the courtroom.

My Gorilla snorts and huffs, sounding suspiciously like, 'Motherfucker.'

Court resumes.

Large Mammal's matter is seen to.  He's very difficult to understand.  His madness does not touch on our reality in very many places, and where it does, it does so lightly.

When he leaves, I go outside to make another announcement, asking for patience.  Rick James is in a sulk, but his lover is there to pat his hand.

I return to the courtroom.

At about 6:40, in comes Pirate with his Parrot, causing a bit of a stir.  Pirate claims the animal is a service animal. I think the Parrot is the brains of the operation, or at least translates Pirate into English while manipulating his host like a ventriliquist.

"Yes, it's a parrot.  Get over it," I tell the crowd.  I lower my voice and tell Pirate he's early, not late.  I remembered the pair from their last visit.

A group enters the courtroom, rather noisily.  "If you are here for 6:30, we aren't quite ready for you. Wait outside and I will come get you when we are.  If you are late, be seated and be silent."

"Six-thir- Ok," says the young lady in front, getting it and turning to leave.

Her Honor, growing impatient with the repeated disruptions, tells the group, "Be silent or leave."

The last man in the group ignores us both, looks at me and asks, "So you'll come get us?"

This monolithic display of stupidity draws uncomfortbale titters from the crowd.  Rarely have they been so entertained, I'm sure.

My Gorilla starts to whimper.  Where are these tormentors coming from?

 I give my best 'Really?' stare to Oblivious.

Oblivious doesn't get it, of course.

I continue.

Oblivious eventually edges out of the courtroom, his question unanswered.

At least for him.

I go get him and the rest at 7:15.

My Gorilla

So... I left off last time with a teaser about my gorilla.  Here is that tale:

A youth I'll calll Jackass decided prodding my gorilla with a stick is a good idea.  He's one seriously demented fool.  The Jackass, not my gorilla.  He's a gorilla.  My gorilla.

A slight digresion into backstory, if you will allow it:

I first met Jackass picking up the pieces after he'd been shot.  He's the kind of Jackass that requires a tattoo indicating he's 100% his ethnicity on the back of his neck, like the label on a cheap shirt.  Gotta know what you think you are, right?

Seems that, while he is not hispanic, he rolls with the Nortenos of the Mission District.  Some Sureno decided to end some Nortenos, and caught Jackass instead.  Jackass took one in the ass, running from his assailant.   He's the type of jackass who can't concieve of reasons why all sorts of bad things happen to him.   

So.  By now he's been in this court a great number of times.  First because he threw some litter on the ground right in front of my old partner, who gave him a ticket.  To cut this relatively long backstory short, the Jackass gets found guilty, can't get his shit togother to pay it, so he keeps coming back to court.  Every time he gets my attention, acting the fool in court, then talking back and behaving as if he's the victim.Of course he is also racking up other tickets, and still can't pay them.

Jackass is not helped in that his name is very easy to remember, and rolls off my tongue with minimal hesitation. That and his sibling is a cab driver, and also makes appearances.  The brother isn't a jackass, however.

In comes Jackass.  My Gorilla sits up, hard and fast.  It knows Jackass is present, and starts snarling.

Jackass is with another young male of his ethnicity, though this one doesn't feel the need to label himself. I have seen Jackass' companion before, and never had any trouble out of him. I check the court calendar for Jackass.  He's not on it.  Good.  Means I can bounce him, if I have to.

A very attractive young woman comes in and takes a seat next to Jackass.

I am giving the rules of the court, and Jackass starts trying to chat Attractive Girl up. I see Attractive Girl shake her head and lean as far away from Jackass as she can.

He says something more.  She shakes her head more forcefully and points at the sign above me indicating that people should not talk in court.

He sneers and says something more. 

She gets up and moves away from him. He opens his mouth, eyes watering he's staring so hard at Attractive Girl's rear.

I feel the need for another digression, this time on the ettiquette of checking someone out and then trying to chat them up:

Look once. Store the image.  Leave off unless you get a return glance indicating mutual interest.   Be sure.

Don't fucking linger, don't stare, especially if they do not look back at you or do slook back at you and try and indicate their displeasure.  Don't fucking make the person you are appreciating feel uncomfortable, as that might preclude them from dressing as attractively or otherwise sharing their beauty with those that know how to appreciate without creeping out.

Further, don't you dare try to make small talk after the person you think attractive has already given you clear indication that they don't want to fucking talk to you.  Especially if they've said as much to you.

"Mr Jackass, be silent," I bark.

"I wasn't sayin' nothin'," Jackass says, his eyes finally leaving the young woman and settling on me before racing away.  He's seen my Gorilla before, knows it is at the door, beating his chest.

"No? Then why did the young lady get up and leave after telling you she didn't want to converse?"

"Aww man," he says, like I'm some fucking school teacher and he my student.

Gorilla settles back.  There's just no competition here.

"I see you have no matter before the court.  You may leave now," I say.

"But I didn't doo nothin'" he says, sounding less mature than my six year old.

"And you've been here often enough you should know better.  Leave."

He does as ordered, but can't resist giving Attractive Girl a wink as he passes her.  She shakes her head again, clearly discomfited.

My Gorilla flies at the cage, arms extended, fingers grasping for Jackass' neck.  Jackass leaves the courtroom proper. 

My Gorilla snorts, goes to start picking his ass. Several minutes pass in relative quiet.  Court starts.

BAM!  Something is hit in the hallway, followed by a great deal of mouth-noises.  I walk out, knowing it's Jackass.  He's gone. 

"Was that a little guy with a shaved head?" I ask of a gentlman waiting for his later court session.

"The one that came out cursing the police and shouting?" the man says, mildly interested.

I smile. This is my kind of guy, "Indeed, yes."

"Yes, that would be the fellow.  He went downstairs."

"Thank you," I reply.  I return to the courtroom.

The 5:30 court session runs over into the 6:30.  I go out to make an announcement for those that are being made to wait.  Jackass is there among them.

The announcement goes like this, "Those of you here for six thirty, we are not quite ready for you, as we are dealing with the 5:30 matters.  I will be making an announcement to bring everyone scheduled for 6:30 in at the same time when we are ready.  Historically, this is a few minutes past 6:30."

Another gentleman asks me, quite politely, what time he could expect to be done. I replied that I didn't know, exactly, but I had never been in court past nine.

Jackass surges forward, "So when will the five-thirty people be done?"

The monumental stupidity of the question made some who didn't know the court system, me, or presumably, Mr Jackass, chuckle and snort.

I blinked, "Clearly, when they are done, Mr Jackass.  Further: Mr Jackass, don't hit the walls or make disruptive noises in the hall, or I will remove you from the building."

"My bad," he replies, completely unrepentant.

"Indeed it is. No one else out here is acting like a child but you." There are children present who, presumably, were behaving as children do, but their presense only served to impress on everyone else the breadth and depth of Jackass' asshattery.

"Man, why you always so annoying me?"

"I don't know how to respond to that, Mr Jackass. That having been said, you have no matter before the court, and you are doing your friend no favors by repeatedly disrupting the processes of the court. Feel free to be annoying somewhere else."

More titters.

My Gorilla huffed, disappointed.  Sometimes the Jackass gets himself in a mess, and my Gorilla needn't do a damn thing:

My Inner Gorrilla Returns

Talking long-distance to a friend last night while on my lunch break. I'm in the tiny office where I do much of my writing. There's a knock at my door. The commissioner and the clerk are standing in the courtroom, looking a bit wild-eyed.

"Officer, could you help? There is some man insisting on seeing the commissioner and he has no court date," the clerk says.

"Of course," I say to the clerk, reaching for my gunbelt, "Tom, I have to go: work."

"No problem. Bye," he replies before hanging up.

I pocket the phone, hitch the belt up, and ask the other clerk, "Who am I looking for?"

"Black guy. Right outside the door."

"Thanks."

I exit, and there before me is the man who set my gorilla hammering against the cage the last time. He has been in court several times over the intervening months, but kept his peace with me by simply behaving.

"I need to see the judge," he says to me. He's wearing one converse and one flip-flop. Quite the fashion statement.

"Not without a court date," I reply. Firmly, without disrespect.

"Man, I need to see the judge," he says riding over the tail of my answer.

"I heard you the first time, sir. Without a court date, it is not happening," I answer. The gorilla stirs in his cage.

He holds out a folded piece of paper, "Man, I just just want to give her this paper."

"Then go to room one forty-five and set a court date."

"What time does the court open?"

"At five thirty, for those that have a court date. You do not, therefore you will not be heard," my patience is wearing thin, the gorilla wakes, starts to snuffle.

"I'll just show up then."

"No, you will not," I reply right on the heels of his words. The gorilla rises, starts to beat his chest.

"Man, you can't tell me that."

"Yes, I can. What's more, I will bounce you out if you show up," I reply. The gorilla is yanking on the cage doors.

"Man, fuck that, I just need to see the judge," he answers, again failing to look me in the eye.

The clerk comes out of the room behind me, adding their weight to my presence. I appreciate the thought, but wish they wouldn't. I don't want to have to be concerned about them if the gorilla is released by the man's actions. 

Sometimes the antics of such people can  put the gorilla in charge, and that can be a bad thing.

"Go downstairs to room one forty-five and set a court date to be heard."

"Man, I know where room one-forty five is."

"Good, then there's no more need for us to talk."

"Man, I just want to see the judge."

I just stare at him, my gorilla subsiding a bit, or maybe just poised to tear the door off.

He holds up the paper again, this time to the clerk.

I move slightly, preventing him approaching the clerk, "No sir, downstairs in room one forty-five."

He looks at me, getting angry, "Man, I know where room one forty-five is."

"Then go there. You may now leave. You have no business with the court," I say, the gorilla's snarl creeping across my lips.

"You can't make me leave," he mutters, edging backwards.

"Yes. Yes, I can," I answer. I am actually hoping he will. The gorilla's been a bit flabby of late, from lack of exercise.

He retreats after a few moments, turns away and mutters what a racist I am. He has been given no basis to know my prejudices, really, but I am beginning to suspect that is his go-to insult, rather than one tailored to me or a specific instance.

My gorilla snorts, scratches, and settles down for a nice nap.

Until an hour later. But that's another post...

My Inner Gorilla

My inner gorilla was live and beating at the cage last night. Tormented by the actions of people who should know better, he reached long arms out and started rattling other people's cages:

"Shiit," says the clueless.

"Sir, you shouldn't be speaking, let alone cursing, in here."

Five minutes later, "Shiiiit."

Now he's just being an ass. "One more outburst, and you are done."

Three minutes later, "Man, shiiiit."

The inner gorilla yammers, barks, starts thundering at the cage. I hold the cage in place, but the cotter-pin keeping the gate closed is gleaming in my mind's eye, ready to lift. "Madame clerk, please give this man a continuance so that he might return when he is in a better position to adhere to the rules of the court."

Madame clerk, her gorilla rumbling as well, cranks the paperwork out, hands it off.

I give it to the cursing man, "You are to return on this date. Leave now."

"Man, fuck that! I need to talk to the judge."

I try to give him a glimpse of the gorilla. He refuses to meet my eye, "No, sir. You don't. You need to leave and return on the date given."

"I need to talk to the judge."

"No, you need to leave. Don't make me put hands on you. I really don't want to put my hands on you," I say, but really don't mean it. The cotter pin is now a hair's breadth from falling to earth.

"Fuck you," he mutters. But then he makes a mistake, he meets my eyes. The gorilla makes him shift in his seat, alarm dawning.

"Ladies, please step aside, as I believe I am going to have to remove this man from the room," I ask of the ladies waiting patiently in line to handle their business.

"Man, you ain't the judge," he says as he rises from his seat.

"No, I am not. As I said before, I'm just here to enforce the rules, not make the decisions. Don't make the decision that will make me put hands on you."

He walks from the room into the antechamber, "Man, fuck you. You just trying to be everything you ain't." Despite his words, my gorilla starts to subside. He's leaving.

"Your perceptions of my behavior have no bearing on my behavior, sir," I say as I follow him out. Got to be sure he leaves.

More muttered curses, but he leaves.

Five minutes later, he's back, "Man, I can't come in at this time."

"Then go down and reschedule. The courtesy of the court is reserved for those who can control themselves."

"Fuck you, you ain't the judge."

I am moving toward him, the line of ladies moving instinctively aside. They have no desire to be between my gorilla and it's target, "No sir, leave now."

He retreats, cursing me all the while, calling me racist.

Rather than hear it, I start to say, "Buh-bye." in a loud voice every time he opens his mouth and give him my best princess wave all the way to the elevator.

My gorilla mutters, snorts, scratches his ass and curls up till the next time.