Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Gorilla

So... I left off last time with a teaser about my gorilla.  Here is that tale:

A youth I'll calll Jackass decided prodding my gorilla with a stick is a good idea.  He's one seriously demented fool.  The Jackass, not my gorilla.  He's a gorilla.  My gorilla.

A slight digresion into backstory, if you will allow it:

I first met Jackass picking up the pieces after he'd been shot.  He's the kind of Jackass that requires a tattoo indicating he's 100% his ethnicity on the back of his neck, like the label on a cheap shirt.  Gotta know what you think you are, right?

Seems that, while he is not hispanic, he rolls with the Nortenos of the Mission District.  Some Sureno decided to end some Nortenos, and caught Jackass instead.  Jackass took one in the ass, running from his assailant.   He's the type of jackass who can't concieve of reasons why all sorts of bad things happen to him.   

So.  By now he's been in this court a great number of times.  First because he threw some litter on the ground right in front of my old partner, who gave him a ticket.  To cut this relatively long backstory short, the Jackass gets found guilty, can't get his shit togother to pay it, so he keeps coming back to court.  Every time he gets my attention, acting the fool in court, then talking back and behaving as if he's the victim.Of course he is also racking up other tickets, and still can't pay them.

Jackass is not helped in that his name is very easy to remember, and rolls off my tongue with minimal hesitation. That and his sibling is a cab driver, and also makes appearances.  The brother isn't a jackass, however.

In comes Jackass.  My Gorilla sits up, hard and fast.  It knows Jackass is present, and starts snarling.

Jackass is with another young male of his ethnicity, though this one doesn't feel the need to label himself. I have seen Jackass' companion before, and never had any trouble out of him. I check the court calendar for Jackass.  He's not on it.  Good.  Means I can bounce him, if I have to.

A very attractive young woman comes in and takes a seat next to Jackass.

I am giving the rules of the court, and Jackass starts trying to chat Attractive Girl up. I see Attractive Girl shake her head and lean as far away from Jackass as she can.

He says something more.  She shakes her head more forcefully and points at the sign above me indicating that people should not talk in court.

He sneers and says something more. 

She gets up and moves away from him. He opens his mouth, eyes watering he's staring so hard at Attractive Girl's rear.

I feel the need for another digression, this time on the ettiquette of checking someone out and then trying to chat them up:

Look once. Store the image.  Leave off unless you get a return glance indicating mutual interest.   Be sure.

Don't fucking linger, don't stare, especially if they do not look back at you or do slook back at you and try and indicate their displeasure.  Don't fucking make the person you are appreciating feel uncomfortable, as that might preclude them from dressing as attractively or otherwise sharing their beauty with those that know how to appreciate without creeping out.

Further, don't you dare try to make small talk after the person you think attractive has already given you clear indication that they don't want to fucking talk to you.  Especially if they've said as much to you.

"Mr Jackass, be silent," I bark.

"I wasn't sayin' nothin'," Jackass says, his eyes finally leaving the young woman and settling on me before racing away.  He's seen my Gorilla before, knows it is at the door, beating his chest.

"No? Then why did the young lady get up and leave after telling you she didn't want to converse?"

"Aww man," he says, like I'm some fucking school teacher and he my student.

Gorilla settles back.  There's just no competition here.

"I see you have no matter before the court.  You may leave now," I say.

"But I didn't doo nothin'" he says, sounding less mature than my six year old.

"And you've been here often enough you should know better.  Leave."

He does as ordered, but can't resist giving Attractive Girl a wink as he passes her.  She shakes her head again, clearly discomfited.

My Gorilla flies at the cage, arms extended, fingers grasping for Jackass' neck.  Jackass leaves the courtroom proper. 

My Gorilla snorts, goes to start picking his ass. Several minutes pass in relative quiet.  Court starts.

BAM!  Something is hit in the hallway, followed by a great deal of mouth-noises.  I walk out, knowing it's Jackass.  He's gone. 

"Was that a little guy with a shaved head?" I ask of a gentlman waiting for his later court session.

"The one that came out cursing the police and shouting?" the man says, mildly interested.

I smile. This is my kind of guy, "Indeed, yes."

"Yes, that would be the fellow.  He went downstairs."

"Thank you," I reply.  I return to the courtroom.

The 5:30 court session runs over into the 6:30.  I go out to make an announcement for those that are being made to wait.  Jackass is there among them.

The announcement goes like this, "Those of you here for six thirty, we are not quite ready for you, as we are dealing with the 5:30 matters.  I will be making an announcement to bring everyone scheduled for 6:30 in at the same time when we are ready.  Historically, this is a few minutes past 6:30."

Another gentleman asks me, quite politely, what time he could expect to be done. I replied that I didn't know, exactly, but I had never been in court past nine.

Jackass surges forward, "So when will the five-thirty people be done?"

The monumental stupidity of the question made some who didn't know the court system, me, or presumably, Mr Jackass, chuckle and snort.

I blinked, "Clearly, when they are done, Mr Jackass.  Further: Mr Jackass, don't hit the walls or make disruptive noises in the hall, or I will remove you from the building."

"My bad," he replies, completely unrepentant.

"Indeed it is. No one else out here is acting like a child but you." There are children present who, presumably, were behaving as children do, but their presense only served to impress on everyone else the breadth and depth of Jackass' asshattery.

"Man, why you always so annoying me?"

"I don't know how to respond to that, Mr Jackass. That having been said, you have no matter before the court, and you are doing your friend no favors by repeatedly disrupting the processes of the court. Feel free to be annoying somewhere else."

More titters.

My Gorilla huffed, disappointed.  Sometimes the Jackass gets himself in a mess, and my Gorilla needn't do a damn thing:

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