Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Driving for Dumb Motherfuckers

It occurs to me that I might be calling some drivers asshats when they know not what they did that causes said nomenclature to spring to mind. Hence, in the interest of being completely fair, I provide the following stages of driving for dumb motherfuckers:

Stage 1:  get in the car well in advance of the time of any appointment you might have, and, and this is vitally important:  allow for the time it might take to get where the fuck you are headed!  As part of this, you should know, at least generally, where the hell you are going in advance.

Stage 2: Pay attention.  Did you check all around your vehicle? Repeat this check with every movement of your vehicle, regardless of whether you are accelerating, stopping, changing lanes, turning, or merging.  You moving or changing rate of movement, you must constantly look the fuck around!

Stage 3: If you miss your turn/think you want to be in a different lane than that which you are currently occupying, signal your intent, repeat Stage 2, wait a moment, repeat Stage 2, and when it is obviously clear and safe to do so, then and only then complete the fuckin' movement. When any doubt exists as to the safety of a movement, don't make it. Wait.  Go around the block.  Get off at the next exit.  Do not skip any of the stages.

Stage 4: Do not ignore signs and then expect other drivers to comply with your stupidity or otherwise behave as you do.  In other words, don't honk at me to get out of your way when we are at a light and turning right.  I might see something you can't that prevents me from turning right safely, fucktard. Another fine example: If you are speeding, don't tailgate, honk at or flash me with your brights to get me out of the way.  The speed limit is there for us all to obey or not, don't get pissed because I choose to actually adhere to the law of the land.  Now, if I'm not an asshat, I should, as a matter of courtesy get out of the fast lane as soon as I have gone through my own assessment of the safety of doing so using Stage 3.

Stage 5: Drive according to your actual capabilities and present condition, as well as those of the road and the vehicle you are driving.  You may be a formula one driver, but if you happen to be behind the wheel of a minivan, slow the fuck down before you kill someone!  If your car is a clunker that parts may fly from at any point, don't get on the road.  If you are hung over, drunk, angry over your divorce,  or simply waiting to die, don't fuckin' drive. If the road you are driving down is full of potholes, slow down.

Stage 6: Be prepared! At any time things may change, so you may need to change your direction, speed or whatever. But being prepared means remembering to complete and repeat the other stages of driving, regardless of what the asshat sharing the road with you might or might not be doing at any given time. 

If you adhere to these stages of driving, you are, I think, more likely to avoid an accident than those that don't.  Certainly you will be less likely to cause an accident and endanger others...