Monday, April 5, 2010

April Ain't All That

God, but this April hasn't been kind to me so far.

Lost cellphone and wallet on Friday:

It will be some weeks before all the fallout from this is over with, if ever. If you are a reader and have my cell number, please text or call me with your current contact information.

Asshat comments from strangers on Sunday:

I already posted my thoughts on that. My blood is still a bit hot over it. I'm striving for the zone with it, but it is difficult.

I suffered from tank balls this morning:

I was caught by a heavy, localized rainstorm on my way into work. The rain was very cold, very heavy, and seemed to be falling just for me. After about ten minutes my hands went numb and I had a bad case of Tank Balls. For those of you who might not be familiar with the nomenclature of this terrible condition, allow me to illuminate for you: Tank balls is a condition brought about by the cold water sliding off the gas tank of a crotch-rocket or streetfighter-style motorbike and freezing the beans and frank. Uncomfortable, to say the least.

I lost my motorcycle key on arrival at work:

I found it about ten minutes later. Still, not fun. I believe I dropped it because of the numbness in my hands, not balls.

I then got asked if I slept in the wet spot:

As a symptom of tank balls, I had a spreading damp spot on my lower belly, which a sergeant and pleasantly attractive female officer were kind enough to point out to me.

I but said, "Tank Balls."

Their reply, a uniform, "?"

I described the condition, which garnered another laugh from them. While I am only too happy to please, they have obviously never suffered from the condition.

Here's hoping April improves. I need a crotch-blanket, a drink, a muzzle, and a month-long nap.

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