Thursday, November 12, 2009

StUpId GuN

OR: How a democracy can deal with the moronic behavior that has become so commonplace on our roadways.

Ever find yourself screaming at some moron that’s cut you off or done something terribly dangerous and illegal in front of you? If so, you may have even looked around for a law enforcement officer, praying that karma was more immediate for the jackass than it seems to be for your boss?

Ever feel like you are being picked on when that officer you wanted there for the above situation finds you when you’ve just made an honest mistake like missing the somewhat-obscured stop sign in an unfamiliar area?

GRIFFIN SYSTEMS, INC has the only solution that doesn't require vigilantism: StUpId GuN!

Not an actual firearm, this device would be situated in the vehicle like a laser for speed detection, with a steering wheel activation button. Vehicles equipped with such a system would likewise be equipped with a detector calibrated to note any laser hits scored against the operator’s vehicle and a light bar that engaged when the system’s threshold is exceeded.

The device is simple to operate: simply point StUpId GuN in the direction of the person who has recently driven like a moron in your vicinity. Scrolling through potential targets on your heads-up display, you may select the appropriate vehicle.

The appropriate vehicle being that lone vehicle occupant in a sedan that drove at a 45 degree angle across the solid white line to get into the commuter lane ahead of you, endangering you, your children, and the five or six vehicles behind you with their moron move.

You may then hit them with the StUpId GuN. The laser reaches out and the receiver detects the hit. The lased vehicle records the hit and an indicator shows the operator they’ve been hit. Once the detector receives a set number of hits, a light bar pops up and the vehicle is automatically removed from traffic.

The light bar then indicates to traffic in all directions in bright LEDs, “I’ve been a moron, and now I’m in time out.”

The length of time the driver is placed in ‘time-out’ by the StUpId GuN is based on the number of hits to the system for that single incident and any other points the operator may have carried over from previous actvities warranting StUpId GuN hits.

“Unfair,” many of you may howl, but no, GRIFFIN SYSTEMS, INC is interested in preserving and defending our democracy. Here’s how:

You can receive up to five points per week before the system is activated. Only one point can be delivered per operator per incident. This means that if you were driving in a manner deserving of the attention of StUpId GuN in front of many people, you may be hit with all five points in one sitting. If, as is often the excuse in traffic court, there truly were no other people on the road, then you’re getting away with your StUpId GuN behavior. If you are not commuting to work on weekends, you receive double points on weekends. If you are a senior citizen, you are forgiven your first point every week up to five consecutive weeks, at which time StUpId GuN will notify DMV that you need to be re-tested. Points fall from your record exactly one week from the time that the point was accrued.

For you skeptics out there, let us assure you that GRIFFIN SYSTEMS, INC has already thought through most every possible ramification and implemented a solution. In our constant drive to improve our already outstanding systems, we have provided a FAQ for the discerning consumer.


Problem: There are so many morons on the road, how can I be sure they won’t StUpId GuN me just to get me out of their way?

Our solution: One can only engage the StUpId GuN against a target if your StUpId GuN point score is lower than that of the target. Police officers and other emergency worker’s vehicles are no exception. If they have a worse record in their private vehicle than you, they can’t StUpId GuN you.

Problem: How long do the points stay on my record?
Solution: Moron, you were already told that. Prepare to be hit with StUpId GuN.

Problem: But what if I have a legitimate emergency that makes me drive like a maniac?
Solution: StUpId GuN believes in calling for emergency services if you need emergency assistance. Just because you think you’ll get there faster doesn’t mean you’re right, and often means your endangering others. Moron.

Problem: What will traffic cops do with all their spare time?
Solution: Traffic cops may, in future, have access to a super StUpId GuN that GRIFFIN SYSTEMS, INC currently has under development. At this time, though, no SuPeR StUpId GuN is available, aside from the TASERs some officers carry, which are better termed, DuMb DrUnK NuLlIfIeRs than TASERs in the humble opinion of GRIFFIN SYSTEMS, INC.

Problem: But what if everyone does it?
Solution: If that’s true, the other drivers who conduct themselves as you do won’t feel the need to hit you with StUpId GuN (unless they are the kind of moron that thinks their poo doesn't stink like yours do).

Problem: I refuse to accept that by adopting this system others can embarrass me with a light bar saying I should be put in ‘time-out.’
Solution: Then stop driving like a moron, or suffer from StUpId GuN, moron.

Please feel free to post any additional questions you might have regarding StUpId GuN or GRIFFIN SYSTEMS, INC.

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