Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Proper Urinal Etiquette:

Never stand closer than six feet behind the person at the urinal. Try and stand off-set so that the person at the urinal can see you, and isn’t made paranoid by the fact that someone’s standing behind him while his junk is being aired.

Never whistle while waiting. It is annoying. It is permissible to whistle while urinating, but only in order to place oneself in the hap-pee zone.

While at the urinal, hit the urinal, not the floor, the wall, the roof, or any other place but the damn urinal.

Do not look at the people using the urinals adjacent to yours. Most especially don’t look at their junk (unless it’s that kind of bathroom and you’re that kind of guy).

If you have a need to scratch, do so, but keep any attendant noise generated by the process below which might be audible at the next urinal.

Don’t drop shit (literal or otherwise) in the urinal.

Never consume drugs from the top of the urinal or while standing in front of one. That’s what proper toilet stalls are for.

You may continue a conversation already begun whilst at the urinals, but only if the pair of you were already engaged in conversation to begin with and the following two rules are adhered to: One should steer away from any subjects that might preclude/delay/or prevent the proper discharge of the function the urinal is meant for. For example: one should never speak of or continue to speak about testicular cancer, castration, prostate exams, or other man-junk issues. Nor is it acceptable to ever mention one's love for another man, as in "I love Dave Matthews" (Not that it is ever acceptable to love Dave Matthews).

You are permitted to comment, once and directing the comment at the wall, about what a fine (insert party, sporting event, funeral, dog walking, marathon, whatever) is going on. Once only. And don't expect a fucking answer.

You are also permitted to heave a long sigh or groan as you urinate, but don’t over-do it or sound like you’re getting off, that’s just fucked up.

Don't you dare try to start a conversation with persons already at the urinal! Your shit may be that important to you, but I guarantee it isn't any where near so important to anyone who has half the brains god gave a drunk teenager.

This goes double if the person at the urinal is in uniform and the severity of the transgression increases exponentially should you dare ask a question that is, on its basis, fucking stupid. For instance, “Where can I find an officer to sign off on my ticket?”
Barring the possibility that they might be on fire, there is absolutely no reason good enough for you to initiate a conversation with an officer whose only crime is to attempt to void his bladder in peace!

Lastly, flush! For fuck’s sake, no one wants to smell your asparagus/antibiotic/hangover or whatever piss.


  1. There was a guy in my high school who would always come in, see you standing at a long line of empty urinals, and then choose the urinal directly next to you even though there were literally dozens of other free ones. After he started peeing, he'd lean in next to you and whisper, "I hear this is where all the dicks hang out. That true?"

    Psychological warfare of the worst kind.

  2. Clever (if disturbing) once, irritating thereafter.

    Barring an organic imbalance inherent in their brains that causes such behavior, I hope there is a special hell for such people.

    I have a fear that I will be jumped at a urinal: Cranium and porcelain altar meet with a crack.

    Now I have to add the fear that my department-issue firearm will run free in the hands of some dread lunatic from texas who makes repeated comments about 'where the dicks hang out.'


  3. The only thing I would add/modify is that if you are going to whistle a song while at the urinal, it cannot be "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Holywood or anything by George Michaels, including WHAM.